Marriage Life

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Romance doesn’t happen in the big Anniversary getaways or the expensive gifts for special occasions or in middle of the romantic restaurant…

Oh sure, it can happen there. We pay big bucks for the expectation that it will happen there. But, if we are waiting for it to happen there – in those big moments – and only there we are missing out on some great opportunities for romance in our EVERYDAY.

At the end of the day, it’s the little things that matter most.

Kurt Vonnegut once said, “Enjoy the little things in life…for one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.”

People, relationships, family. Read the rest of this entry »

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We’ve all heard it before…

Money problems are one of the biggest reasons for divorce.

People who fight about money have a higher rate of divorce.

Statistics show that this is pretty accurate.

Studies show that the more couples fight/disagree on money the higher rate of divorce.

Studies also show that while money problems may be a predictor of future divorce ultimately it really ain’t about the money.

It’s about so much more than that. Money is the symptom of a bigger foundational problem. Money is the surface issue that couples tag onto instead of talking about the deeper issues at hand.

The truth is: Money isn’t the problem. It’s pride, perception, expectations, discontentment, unresolved childhood issues that revolve around money, and lack of shared values. Read the rest of this entry »

What’s in it for me?

Ever heard someone express that? Or its second cousin, “It’s not my job?”

Our kids have been participating in a program at school lately that is encouraging them to do three things, “Read, Run and Reach.” The idea is to get kids to move past the mindset of “What’s in it for me?”

The Reach part involves performing random acts of kindness. They needed to find ways to help that were out of the ordinary, not expected, above and beyond.

There were days that some of my kids would say, “I unloaded the dishwasher like you asked. Can I put that on my Reach list?”

And I would remind them that while I appreciated them following my instructions that this was a chore that they were required to do. They needed to find ways to help out that weren’t required of them. Read the rest of this entry »

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Just the other day I was subbing again and had reason to use one of my favorite tools when it comes to elementary students. I had one class that had some problems getting cleaned up and ready to line up and so I pulled one out from my preschool teaching days. And it works. Seriously. Every time.

I find a child or a group who is doing really well, doing exactly what they are supposed to and say, “I really like the way so-and-so is working right now. I really like the way so-and-so is cleaning up right now.”

All of a sudden there are numerous kids who are changing directions and doing exactly what I need them to do without me having to yell or be negative. Read the rest of this entry »

We’ve talked before, as have countless other marriage bloggers, about how comparison kills. It destroys. It sets us up for failure and disappointment. I mean, when we compare what we think we know about other people (what they choose to show us) with the worst we know about ourselves…we’re going to lose every time.

I want to talk about a different kind of comparison today.  Something that is on the opposite end of the spectrum. Rather than comparing ourselves to people who seem to have it all together, there are some of us who like to compare themselves to the worst, to people who are mean, abusive, or disgusting in order to make themselves look or feel better. Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s the thing…we’re always talking to ourselves about what’s going on around us. We are always perceiving things a certain way based on what we tell ourselves about what is happening around us. And what we tell ourselves directly affects how we feel about it. And how we feel about it directly impacts how we behave in response.

So, if our thinking is based on the world’s values or the lies that are perpetrated around us then we are bound to also feel and act inappropriately to the things happening in and around us. We know this sounds an awful lot like cognitive behavioral therapy. We happen to subscribe to that particular theory. We also subscribe to the idea that we all have tapes running in our minds. Which also stems from a related theory. Think about this: If you grew up being told that you were ugly you would eventually believe it. It would actually become something that regularly plays through your thoughts and enables you in justifying your actions. “He doesn’t love me because I’m ugly,” “They don’t want to play with me because I’m ugly,” “I didn’t expect any better of myself because I’m ugly.” We take those lies in, adopt them as truth, and then begin to live them. Read the rest of this entry »

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The other day I wrote about whether or not to contact the other woman when your spouse has an affair. That’s a tough call to make. And it should be up to each individual and their unique circumstances.

I will say again, though, that I advise thinking it through very clearly before deciding to contact the other woman. Do not call until you are ready to be calm. Do not go into it with high expectations. Do not go in thinking that this other person will feel your pain or show remorse for what they’ve done.

All of that could happen. But it isn’t likely.

Today I want to talk about something that I don’t mention too much. I have a confession.

Lately other marriage bloggers have been posting Confessions of a Marriage Blogger… Read the rest of this entry »

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A while back we were sitting down with another couple talking who had experienced what we’ve experienced. We listened to where they were at and what they were dealing with. They listened to parts of our story that we shared that were relevant to what they were dealing with.  In the midst of this conversation I was asked a question that I’m asked all too often.

“I want to call/confront/talk to the other woman. Should I?”

When infidelity happens to us, we want to understand. We want an answer to the “why.” We want closure.

And we think if we aren’t getting it from our spouses (which is highly likely because of the fog they are going through and the minefield they feel they are stepping through when they answer your questions) that maybe we can get some clarity from the person that our spouse has/had feelings for.

This is a tricky situation to navigate. I’ve known people that it has worked well for and people that it hasn’t.

It has helped some people moved forward and work towards forgiveness of the other person and on the flip side…

It has been one of the worst parts of the whole process for others.

I will tell you what I told this woman, and others…

Do what you think is best for your situation. But go into it with low expectations.

Ideally, you want to call this other person up, or meet with them, talk about the situation, and hear an expression of extreme remorse come out of their mouths. You want to hear a recognition of what they did to hurt you in the choices that they made.

My experience has been that that outcome is highly unlikely. Read the rest of this entry »

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We have said a thousand times…affairs are not worth it.

We’ve also attempted to the best of our ability to get people to realize that, while they would like to think so, they are most likely not the exception to the rule. If you are having an affair, and think that you two are meant to be together and that you two will be the ones to beat the odds…let us share those odds with you…

The truth about infidelity is:

Most professionals will tell you that anywhere from 95-97% of all affairs never last.  They usually end within two years. They either end by one person deciding it’s not worth all the loss and ending it or by it dying a natural death once it sees the light of reality. You know, taking out the garbage, paying bills, dealing with the real life consequences.

For the sake of this post, I’m going to give the affair marriages the benefit of the doubt and give them the full 95%. So, lets assume that the best occurs in affair statistics and 5% of affairs actually last and become marriages.

Moving on… Read the rest of this entry »

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Last year I noticed my clients using a certain word that kept ringing in my ears. Over and over again they would say this word and it kept bothering me and so I decided to address it with all of my clients.

In a variety of areas of life my clients would say, “…and hopefully it will work out…” or “…hopefully I will be able to pull it off…” Insert whatever phrase you like but it is the word hopefully that was bothering me.

It’s not semantics. It conjures up the idea of the magic life fairy fluttering over our life and sprinkling her sparkly dust and if her dust falls in the right place then maybe…just maybe…it will work out.

Hopefully does not require a lot of work or effort from us. It requires some effort, some thought, but it is not very demanding.

I have been transitioning my clients from hopefully to plan-fully. Hear the difference?

Now we are talking effort and something that is deliberate and requires action. Read the rest of this entry »