Marriage Life

We were recently having some work done on our house and the workers were insulating all of the crawl spaces up on our third floor. As they were getting ready to go into yet another undiscovered space they realized one of our cats had gotten in there. As they went in to try and grab him he freaked out and started hissing.

So guess who had to go in after the cat? I was not happy.

Three reasons.

One. I do not like small spaces. I’m super claustrophobic.

Two.  I had to go climb up a ladder and climb through a small triangular hole just to get in. I was freaking out.

Three. I don’t like to get dirty. There was more garbage, dust, and cobwebs in that tight space then I cared to even think about.

I had to crawl on my hands and knees and at times do the army crawl around this space to get to the cat who had perched itself in the very furthest corner of the crawl space. Then I had the pleasure of having to hang on to the cat who did not want to be held all the way back through and get back out the hole again.

It was an incredibly awkward dismount in front of these workers who apparently don’t have wives because they weren’t really sure what to do or how to help…ummm…put your hand out and let me grab it…

And my head and clothes were full of cobwebs when I finally was set free.

But…(you knew there had to be a but, right?)…

There were some amazing finds in that crawl space.

Art work from the children of the previous owners.

Carpet squares.

Rolls of linoleum.

A kitchen chair.

A pair of flip flops.

I didn’t keep all of those things. Just the carpet squares (that darn cat needs something to scratch on besides my couch) and the artwork to give to the last owners.

However, it made me think. And ask myself a tough question. Let me ask you…

What’s in your crawl space?

What’s hiding behind the walls? What secrets are yet to be discovered? What gross, dirty, things are you not wanting to have to go in and search out? Better yet, what dusty things have you just tossed into the crawl space hoping they’ll just be forgotten for years to come and you’ll never have to deal with them? Just close up the hole with a big ‘ol piece of plywood, never to be looked at again.

But, it needs to be looked at doesn’t it? Oh, not necessarily by everybody. You don’t have to do what we did and share your secrets with the blogosphere. You don’t have to have a viewing party and invite all the neighbors over.

But here’s the thing. Sometimes, not only are the things in your crawl space hidden from everyone else, but we are often not aware of them ourselves.

It’s too scary. Too dark. Too dirty. Too tight. We don’t want to go in. We don’t even want to think about it.

We need to though, because…

Sometimes the only way to get cleaned out is to go through the dirty.

Sometimes there’s beauty in places you’d never expect.

Sometimes the only way to discover the treasure is to be willing to weed through the junk.

Trust.

There it is. So much accompanies that little word doesn’t it?

Alecia and I know a thing or too about trust. I know how to complete obliterate it and rebuild it. Believe me I took the sledgehammer to trust not only with my wife but also with my besties. BFFs really isn’t accurate…the man and his family are more like a family so I honestly feel like I hurt my brother.

I counsel couples all the time that have experienced infidelity and those that have not and this is what I know:

Trust is the bedrock of a relationship.

Couples ask me all the time, “How did you rebuild trust?” I tell them that Alecia and I started with this question: “What do you need from me?”

The list she came up with was amazing, long, and very detailed.

-I want to check your mileage.
-I want to check your phone.
-I want to check your facebook.
-I want you to call when you leave and when you arrive.

On and on. But I did it. Everything on the list. When I tell people that they look at me like I have three heads.

The problem is we feel like we are entitled to some “personal space.” We think we should have some things that are unaccountable. You know some unaccountable spending money or some unaccountable time or some unaccountable space.

I recall one conversation I had with a gentleman that said when he was growing up his dad’s wallet was off limits to everyone including his mom and likewise his mom’s purse was off limits to everyone. No one would ever venture to go look in either place.

The issue is those unaccountable spaces work to offset what we are working toward and that is a relationship full of trust. I have this belief that as men it is incumbent upon us to provide a relationship for our mates that promote safety, security, and trust. A great way to promote trust to remove ALL suspicion.

Remove all suspicion.

Why is it your husband can’t access your facebook? Why is it that some text messages disappear from time to time? Why is it that your wife can’t go through your wallet when she wants to?
All of those things, so little, just provide breeding grounds for distrust.

We say this all the time to our Marriage Life followers but it’s true: marriage is a game changer. Marriage means accountability, marriage means transparency, marriage means no secrets.

Marriage works best when our lives are laid bare before one another and THAT my friends is where trust really begins to blossom.

We are hooking up with Five Minute Friday writing challenge today and blogging about motherhood. Key word? Identity. Love how this is posting right before the weekend we celebrate our mothers.

Five minutes…here goes…

When I was growing up I so badly wanted to be a mother. Any time someone asked me what I was going to be when I grew up it was “A nurse…and a mother” or “a teacher…and a mother.”

I was ecstatic when I finally became a mother. But I noticed something. I did what countless other mothers around me were doing. I wasn’t excited to share what I was now that I had grown up.

When someone would ask me, “What is it you do?” I would respond with “Oh, I just stay at home.” “Oh, I’m just a mom.”

You don’t hear anyone in any other field doing that. “What is it you do again?” “Oh, I’m just a doctor.” “I’m just a company president.”

Just. I don’t like that word. It’s taken me a long time, but I know this…I’m not just anything. And neither are you. Here are two things I’ve noticed that we mom’s do. With this word we:

1) Belittle ourselves. I’m not just a mom. I mean, what is that? I’m a creator, a caretaker, a facilitator, a scheduler, a chef, a chauffeur, a mediator, a launderer, a coach, a trainer, a storybook teller, an artist, a bed maker, a magician,  a boo boo kisser…and most importantly a teacher. Because my ultimate goal is to teach my children how to do all of these things for themselves one day. That’s a big task. That’s not just anything.

2) Put all our eggs in one basket. I’m not just a mom. Oh, I cherish it as my most important role right now, maybe always, but I’m so much more. I’m a friend, a sister, a coworker, a student, a wife, a community member (church and town), a neighbor, a coach. And then some.

I remember when I first had my oldest son and then my oldest daughter came along. They became my excuse to not do things. “Oh, I can’t. I’ve got the kids.” Kids can adapt. They can play in the park while you participate on the softball team. Dad can take them while you go to the gym for an hour. They can have playdates or visits to grandma while you have coffee with a friend. Some day the kids are going to be gone. The last one is going to walk out the nest and if our entire identity is wrapped up in being just a mom, we aren’t going to know who we are.

I’m so thankful that God didn’t make any of us just anything. He created us to be complex, unique, and full of purpose.

Sometimes those complex talents and unique abilities and purposes are lived out in motherhood for a time. Sometimes they are lived out in other roles as well. Our task, if we are up to the challenge is to just be whoever we’re called to be to the best of our ability.

 

I have heard it said many times recently that those who continue to believe that homosexuality is a sin are “on the wrong side of the fence.” From fellow Christians and non-Christians alike.

This is such a hugely sensitive issue in our culture right now. Here at MLM, as people who advocate the sanctity of marriage and teaching couples how to embrace and live out truth in their lives we cannot sit idly by while this debate rolls on and not raise our voices in the mix.

This topic is continually in the news but recently has been plastered everywhere on the news and all social media sites because of what has happened down in North Carolina and because of President Obama’s recent words on this issue supporting gay marriage.

We’ve got people like Dan Savage and Rachel Held Evans and sites like the Gay Christian Network who regularly blog about how those who believe a marriage should be between a man and woman are outdated and just outright wrong in their thinking and their theology. They go so far as to make people like that out to be ignorant, archaic, hate-filled…and in the minority.

I’m here to say that couldn’t be further from the truth. And I’m here to draw a line in the sand, to plant my feet firmly on THIS SIDE OF THE FENCE. Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s a list that my daughter brought home from school the other day:

Top 10 Reasons Why I Love My Mom

1. She helps me with my math.
2. She’s a good cook.
3. She tells me when to do my chores.
4. She helps me pick out clothes.
5. She helps me get on the computer.
6. She’s always nice.
7. She never slows down.
8. She helps me make a lemonade stand.
9. She wakes up very early.
10. She’s a smart mom.

It doesn’t take much, does it? We don’t have to buy them all the latest gadgets, get them all the latest brand names, allow them to watch and listen to everything they think is “cool,” never tell them no or teach them the definition of delayed gratification.

They aren’t interested in our presents. They are interested in our presence.

They need our attention. Our time. Our love. Our understanding. Our wisdom.
They want us to take five minutes out of fixing dinner to teach them how to do it too.
They want us to help them when they don’t yet know how to do for themselves.
They want us to work hard for our families and do our best.
They want us to be nice to them and have a pleasant demeanor and outlook.
They want us to sit with them and watch their favorite show instead of just using the TV as a babysitter.
They want us to go outside and ride bikes with them instead of just sending them out there so we can get on facebook.
They want us to go down the slides at the park with them instead of sitting on the bench reading our latest novel and periodically looking up.

It’s a tall order when you put it out there like that. But it’s doable. And worth it.

Ironically, Mother’s Day…

means the retail industry making billions of dollars.
means the highest sale rates at flower shops and card shops out of the year.
means a spike in the use of the Postal Service.
Means restaurants have their longest waiting lists all year.

Did you know that the only other holiday of the year that garners more gift giving is Christmas?

Have you ever wondered why we do this?
Oh, I know. We appreciate our mom’s. They did so much for us, we feel we should do for them. We can’t give anything that would compare to all we know that they have given for us, so we compensate with extravagance and fancy brunches.

And while I’m sure every mom appreciates the spa days and the not having to cook for a day and the breakfast in bed, more than anything else what mom’s want as much as their kids do…is their time. Their attention. Their love. Their appreciation. Their understanding.

So, while it might not cost much, that list is one of the best Mother’s Day gifts I could ever receive because it gives me everything my heart is aching for. And it will last longer than a dozen roses or a deliciously inhaled brunch.

This year, take the time to say “Thank you” to your mom in a way that is meaningful. In a way that will last.

It doesn’t have to cost a thing. Just a little of your time.

We are linking up with Women Living Well, and Wifey Wednesday:

Life gets in the way sometimes doesn’t it?
It gets busy.
It gets muddled.

And we forget.
We take for granted.
We don’t give time and attention to the things that matter most like we should.

Guess what, your spouse needs your attention.
Your spouse needs your affection.
Your spouse needs to know that you still love them. Just the way they are.
That you still have a thing for them.
That you still mean “Till death do us part!”
That you still believe that you belong together.

And you do, you know…
God put you two together for a reason. There may be days where you look over across the breakfast table and wonder, “Why did I marry this person?”
Or life may have taken over and you may be questioning, “Do I even know this person?”
Or you may be buying into cultural lies that tell us that “We’re too different” “Love isn’t supposed to take work” “This isn’t supposed to be this hard.”

Guess what? Often two people decide they love each other and want to make a life together because they see something in the other person that they appreciate because its possibly a deficit in themselves. We like being with people who compliment us. Who challenge us. Who require us to live outside our own box.

Those are all fancy ways of saying “opposites attract.”
And they do, you know.
But it takes work to make them stay attracted over the long haul.

To see those things as good things over the long run.

It doesn’t matter how different you are, or much one or both of you has changed over the years, or how incompatible you think you may have become…

If God put you together then you are good together. You are better together than you are apart.
So let your spouse know that you belong together! That you love how you compliment each other!

Stumped?
Not sure where to start?
Here’s a few ideas…

Send it in a text, leave a voicemail, write a quick little letter and leave it somewhere they will find it…

You’re the frosting to my cupcake
You’re the bacon to my eggs
You’re the milk to my cookies
You’re the butter to my bread
You’re the peanut butter to my jelly
You’re the mac to my cheese
You’re the hamburger to my helper
You’re the icing to my cupcake

Have any more you could add?

 

There are so many things in this life that don’t come naturally to me.

Sacrificing.

I’m a pretty empathetic and giving person but I’m also so routine and schedule oriented that figuring out how to fit needs and wants of others into my planned out day can be difficult for me.

Conversing.

Starting and maintaining conversations are difficult for me. Maybe it’s the hidden introvert in me. I’m a fairly outgoing person but figuring out what to talk about and how to keep it going is hard for me! I would be perfectly comfortable staying at superficial levels. “Hi, how are you.” “Did you see what happened on Big Brother last night?” Or making the other person do all of the work of keeping the conversation going. Read the rest of this entry »

What seems like another lifetime ago I once was a student ministries pastor, back in the day we were called youth pastors though. I remember telling my teens through the years…

”You show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”

Oh yes friends that one usually brought out the Christianese phrases. You know….

“Oooooh.” Or “Hmmmm…that’s good.”

I have a pretty high disdain for Christianese but that is for another blog, another time.

The point is we sometimes, not always, but sometimes become like the people we hang around and in adolescents that tendency increases by a wide margin. As I counsel young people these days, my message is the same. Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future. I discuss with young people that if they show me they are hanging around kids on the honor roll, in band, and drama then their chances of being a dropout decrease. If they hang with kids that are cited and warned for truancy, skip school 3 times a week, and smoke bowls of weed everyday then their chances of being a high honors student are not great. Read the rest of this entry »

All my life I’ve wondered why God made me the type of woman that he did. There was always one type of woman that I was envious of the older I got. I wanted to be more like her but felt like there was a huge rift between who I was and who everyone was telling me I should be like.

When I went to Bible college it became even more apparent to me that if I was going to be this other woman I was going to have work really hard at it. Pretend. Act. Relearn.

I honestly felt like I was wrong for being like I was. I wasn’t Christian enough. I didn’t have the right demeanor and personality.

I’m not that person though.

I don’t know if you know her…

But she’s sweet. Soft spoken. Tender. Everyone loves her. She’s got a kind word for everyone. Her tone is so quiet and tempered. She always thinks before she speaks.

Not that I’m not likeable. But I’m a different kind of likeable. I’m loud. I’m blunt. I’m sometimes obnoxious. I blurt things out. I’m funny but in a dry, sarcastic way. You either like me or you don’t. And I’ve grown to be okay with that. To a degree.

But every once in a while a little twinge of “Why can’t I be more like…” hits me and I’ll raise my head to the heavens to question God.

I know, I know…comparison kills. Which is why I try and nip those thoughts in the bud when they occur. In those moments that I feel a twinge of wishing to be like someone else I need to remind myself of the truth and say, “Thank you God for making me just the way I am.  There is a purpose in being just who I am. There is room for women like me in your kingdom.”

Remember Emily from last seasons Bachelor? That’s me. She was a great girl but, as my mother-in-law likes to say “God love her,” she just couldn’t stop thinking and talking about how horrible Courtney was. Even when she was on a date with Ben. When their time was supposed to be just about them. Crazy. Every time I saw her on screen I was crossing my fingers for her hoping she would be able to control herself and not bring up the “issue” again. Just relax, let it go, and have fun. But no….

I do that all the time. I get so frustrated or passionate about something that it’s all I talk about. I vent till I can’t vent anymore. I analyze it from all angles. I get feedback from waaayyyyy too many people to the point where, though my thoughts and feelings are valid, and often times supported by the people I’m sharing with, they may end up making people say “Enough already!” We wrote about this awhile back. You can read about our thoughts on venting here.

Those are the times I wish I was more sweet, soft spoken, even tempered.

But then I remember Emily.

And I remember the truth.

Two things struck me about that situation. One, she was just being true to who she was. And if Ben didn’t like that she was outspoken, then she shouldn’t want to be with him. She needs someone who can appreciate her for who she is. And two, look at what the prize was! Was she really missing out on anything? I mean, between the clothes and the hair he’d be perfect as an extra on the set of Revenge of the Nerds. Anyone who says over and over how much he values transparency but then picks the most fake girl on the set isn’t someone to be fighting over!

Anyway…sorry for the Bachelor tantrum…back to the issue at hand…

I’m starting to see “Emily” results in my life as well. One, I need to be true to who I am. It’s how God made me. Yes, there’s truth in learning how to grow and change and become better. I don’t need to hide behind my bluntness and say “Well, that’s how God made me.” I can learn to become more even keeled and watch my words. I can have an understanding of what my proclivities are and choose to work on them.

But I also need to just appreciate who I am.

I’m never going to be a soft spoken person. So why would I work so hard to become one? Because I think our culture or our churches values those women more? And why do we give the impression that we value those women more?

The truth is there is room in this world for people like me.

For women like me.

I also have to remember what being myself gets me. Just like Emily, do I really want to win the crappy prize just because I know how to hold my tongue or say the right things at the right time? Being who I am, being outspoken, often prevents me from staying at a job I loathe because I’m willing to speak my mind. Or keeping the jerky boyfriend because I don’t put up with his crap. Or dealing with a two-faced friend because I’m not afraid to confront the inconsistencies.

In the end, that’s a win!  Do I need to be aware of what I’m saying, how I’m acting, how my actions impact those around me? Yes! Of course! But in the end, I’d rather be myself and suffer the consequences from that then work my butt off to be someone I’m not just to win a prize that’s not really worth it in the end anyway.

Jesus loves me. And he loves you.

There’s room in this world for the quiet and the loud. For the outspoken and the reserved.

In fact, I’m convinced the more I read Proverbs 31 that this woman…

This woman that I want to emulate. This woman that seems more together than I’ll ever be…

Is really more like me than I give myself credit for.

I mean she works long hours, provides for her family, trades and sells among the merchants, goes out and considers land and then buys it…

I mean if ever there was a woman who was outspoken and aggressive and knew how to go about doing what she needed to do…it was this woman!

You know what I take from that?

Love who you are.

Be that kind of woman.

The one he made you to be.

There’s room for all of us.

Today I’m linking up with Wifey Wednesday and Alabaster Jar ! Hop on over!

We’ve gotten it kind of backwards lately in our world.

Maybe its because you actually have to sign papers with witnesses when you get married.

Maybe its because divorce has become easier and easier to obtain.

Maybe its because everything this world applauds…following our hearts, cohabitation, pre-marital sex, unsafe sex… is what goes against the foundations of what makes a lasting marriage.

But here’s the truth.

Marriage is not a contract. It is not a partnership. It is a covenant.

It is solemn. It is binding. It is holy. It is for life. Read the rest of this entry »