Sometimes we go through dry spurts like anyone else in parts of our marriage. Date night, sex, intimate conversations. And we (or I) have the extra-added burden of fear spiking and having a “trigger” when certain things happen that make me feel like our marriage is even slightly resembling the marriage we had when Clint was cheating.
We have made sex a priority since we determined to stay together and restore our marriage. There was a time a little while back where we went a little over a week and it freaked me out. Freaked. Me. Out. We just had to talk it through. Totally normal to have off times of intimacy and totally normal to feel fear because of it if you’ve experienced infidelity.
We were going through a lot that week and a half. There was stress over a job change and PhD issues in a class, there was a disagreement we had that spanned a couple of days, and it was that time of the month. TMI? It’s all background info, sorry. Normally, that kind of perfect storm just doesn’t happen to us anymore. We are huge advocates for healthy sex lives in marriages. And we try to practice what we preach. You might remember our 3-Day Challenge? Aside from a couple of glitches here and there that life just loves throwing at all of us, we’ve stuck pretty closely to this.
This past stretch of time got me thinking, though. What would I do if we only had sex once every week and a half or two? Would it make a difference if it was really great sex every single time? I think it would.
I think we have pretty great sex but the thing about being so proactive about making it a regular thing is it can easily become monotonous if you aren’t really good at spicing things up and thinking outside the box.
Again, it all got me thinking…what would I rather have? Really great sex every once in a while? Or would I rather have sex all the time but just have it be so-so? And…the all-important question…is it possible to have sex all the time and still make it a mind-blowing, awesome experience every single time?
It’s a question of quality vs. quantity.
I know that there are some out there that would say that having mediocre sex every day of the week is more appealing to them then having fantastic sex once or twice a month. Plus, the more you do it the better you get at it. Having it more often ups the chances of you having “quality,” right?
Some of you might also be thinking, I’d take any sex, please! Right now, we’re hit or miss a couple times a month! Anything would be better than nothing! That may be true.
To answer my questions above:
- I don’t want to have sex just “every once in a while.” Sex is such an important part of the intimacy puzzle. Is it the “be all end all” to a relationship succeeding or being healthy? Possibly. Possibly not. But it says a lot about a relationship if a couple doesn’t have a regular desire to be physically intimate with each other. What that looks like (exactly how often, etc) is unique to each couple but it should be happening in a manner that is comfortable and agreeable to both parties. Sex is one of those things that only your spouse can provide you. You can get all other needs and wants met in various other ways (within reason) but sex? That need has to be filled by your spouse.
- I would not want to have regular so-so sex. There’s nothing wrong with mediocre sex. It’s bound to happen occasionally. Statistically. But, you want your times together to be pleasing and pleasurable. You don’t have to pull out all the stops each and every time. No one needs to strain their neck hanging from a chandelier 3 times a week or contorting in such a way that you end up spraining muscles you didn’t even knew you had…but if sex is important to you and your spouse then you will find a way to make it more. This means trying different positions, locations, fantasies…exploring each other’s needs and wants within the safety of the relationship. Make. It. Interesting. Yes, boring sex is still sex. But, after a while, boring sex becomes this thing that you could just take or leave. We want it to be this thing that you are always wanting and anticipating not feeling blah about.
- Is there such a thing as quality and quantity? You tell me. My best guess, based on countless conversations and my own personal experience is NO. Real life just doesn’t make that possible. Between working, cleaning, having babies, parenting, sleeping, hobbying (is that a word?), fighting, and getting sick sometimes there are just going to be times when sex is lacking in either quality or quantity. Or both. And that’s okay. As long as you both recognize it and are taking steps to make sure that it doesn’t become a regular thing. If you find yourself in a slump, recognize it for what it is, be patient with it, and then do what you can together to get over it and past it.
So…what do you guys think? I’m curious…
What is more important to you? Quality or quantity? And do you feel that having both in a marriage is possible?
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