We at MLM love the writings and encouragements and the wisdom that comes from our blogger friend, J over at Hot, Holy and Humorous. She has graciously agreed to guest post for us. In addition, she has made available to our readers one free copy of her new e-book Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives (which I would highly recommend). Simply leave a comment below in order to win!
Many spouses have an unfavorable view of sex. Perhaps they absorbed negative messages in their childhood, experienced sexual pain in their past, or endured marital infidelity. Whatever the cause, when they consider having sex or begin to engage, their brains run through adverse internal messages, like memorized lines from a script, that prevent them from fully engaging and enjoying sexual intimacy in their marriage.
So how can you change the way you feel about sex with your spouse? How can you rewrite that script?
Know your lines. What script have you been reading from? Recognize that you have internalized certain messages about sexuality based on prior experiences. Do you think sex is dirty? Do you associate it with a painful memory in your past, such as harassment or molestation? Do you believe it’s only for him? Do you harbor past hurts that impact current marital intimacy?
Ask what notions you truly have about sex. Only then can you challenge the faulty thinking and replace it with a better understanding of God’s design for sexual intimacy.
Consult the Director. Consider those specific assumptions you’ve made, and then line them up against God’s Word. Do they fit?
God’s Word does speak negatively about sexual sin, but always positively about marital intimacy. Sex was God’s idea (Genesis 1:28, 2:24), and He wants married couples to enjoy His gift (Proverbs 5:18-19, Song of Solomon 5:1). Dig deep into the Scriptures, discover for yourself what God has to say about sex in marriage, and let Him direct your lines.
Rehearse the changes. When a script changes, players run through the new lines. Over and over, until they get them right. The same is true for the marriage bed. You really can’t replace that script unless you run-through the new lines.
Engage in the marriage bed with your spouse, and when that script of negativity creeps into your mind, intentionally rehearse new, better lines in your head: “Sex is a gift from God.” “My husband chose me and loves me.” “My wife is the only one for me.” “Sex can feel wonderful for both of us.” Whatever your new lines are, practice them in your head, in the moment, and reassure yourself that sex can be a blessing.
Create new memories to replace old ones and nurture positive feelings to replace hesitant ones. Eventually, the balance on the scales will shift and wonderful memories will far outweigh the bad ones.
Perfect your performance. If your marital intimacy isn’t all it could be, perhaps changing the lines isn’t all you need. You may need to tweak your performance, by discovering ways to increase your pleasure and your spouse’s.
Seek out resources to address low sexual desire, pain in intercourse, or medical issues that interfere with sexual satisfaction. Look for godly advice on improving your lovemaking, like trying new positions or achieving orgasm. Explore and experiment with your spouse to find what arouses each of you and fosters that one-flesh feeling. Address obstacles to enjoyment and continue to perfect your mutual sexual performance throughout your marriage.
Although no one will present you with an Academy Award for the rewrite of your sexual intimacy, your marriage will be rewarded. You can change the script and create a better, healthier, sacred sex life in your marriage.
J. Parker is the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.
How’s your sex savvy? Do you want to be a hottie in the bedroom without sacrificing holiness? Would you like someone to share real-life tips on making the most of God’s gift of sexual intimacy in marriage?
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Whether you’re a new bride finding her way around that king-sized mattress or an experienced wife who wants that mattress to sing, this book can boost your sex savvy and improve your marital intimacy.